


Reparation

by Infinity (malecfeels)



Series: Ever Mine [11]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Aftermath, Angst, BDSM, Bottom Magnus, Dominant Alec Lightwood, Emotional Hurt, Good friend Catarina, Healing?, Human Malec, Hurt Alec, Hurt Magnus, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Malec, Malec AU, Submissive Magnus Bane, Talking, Top Alec, just a little bit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-24
Updated: 2017-11-24
Packaged: 2019-02-06 09:14:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,110
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12814359
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/malecfeels/pseuds/Infinity
Summary: "I wou-wouldn’t have stopped you. I wouldn’t have expected you to…be with someone like me. I just wanted you to-""Someone like you? What do you mean?""Just…after everything I told you the other night. I know it was a lot. And I don’t expect you to deal with it. I understand-""Stop. Just stop."...Magnus and Alec talk about the things left unsaid that night.





	Reparation

**Author's Note:**

> It's been a while since I have updated so quickly? I am so proud of myself.  
> Also, proud of this chapter. It all just came out. And I am pretty confident about it.
> 
> I just wanted to say a hugeeee thank you to all the readers who supported me with my last fic. It was honestly so overwhelming, I didn't really expect it. I cannot express how relieved and happy I was as I read them. You guys are amazing and the best readers I could have hoped for <3
> 
> I hope you enjoy this and love it like you have been till now.  
> Thoughts are always appreciated.
> 
> ENJOY

Catarina slowly opened the door and stood at the threshold, looking at the lump on the bed. She knew without having to look further that Magnus was awake and just pretending to be asleep.

Again.

She thought for a second about leaving him alone. But it had been two whole days since she had picked him on a deserted street in what can only be termed as a ‘hysterical and catatonic’ state. He had blabbered something insensible before she had managed to get him on the bed and made him sleep. Since then, he hadn’t said a word nor eaten more than a spoonful.

The doctor in Catarina was protesting wildly at this while the friend in her was just insanely worried. She had thought that she had seen the end of it when the Camille thing had finally gotten over. This was like getting back at square one.

“Magnus?” She called out, keeping her voice soft. He had struck up a mean temperature yesterday and although it had gone down considerably by now, she still worried about a relapse because of his emotional state. Not eating was definitely not helping. “Hey, you awake?”

Magnus shifted a little bit but didn’t answer. Catarina took a breath and stepped inside. She put down the tray with the steaming soup on the table and sat down beside Magnus on the bed. The covers were completely pulled over his head, hiding him inside.

“I got you some soup.” she continued. “It’s your favorite.”

“I am not hungry.” Magnus replied, his voice low and muffled.

 _At least he is speaking now_ , Catarina thought with some relief. Out loud she said, “I wasn’t asking. Come on, you know I am not leaving until you have some of it.”

There was no movement for a while. Catarina was about to speak up again when the covers shifted and Magnus’ head popped out from underneath.

Any other time, she would have made a joke about Magnus’ messy hair. But as she got a good look at his pale face and swollen red eyes, all jokes went out her head. Magnus had clearly been crying.

Again.

“Oh Magnus.” Catarina felt her heart break at the state her best friend was in. There had been very rare times since she had known him where Magnus was this distraught. He was always the one with the smiles and the jokes.  It always made her feel helpless when she saw him like this.

“Go away, Cat.” Magnus said, his voice rough and painful. “I want to be alone.”

“Magnus.” Cat put a hand on his as he attempted to pull the covers up over him again. “Hey…talk to me. I can’t see you like this.”

“There’s nothing to say.” Magnus said, a broken edge to his voice. “I just want to be alone right now.”

“Okay. I understand.” Cat relented. “But will you just have some of this soup? You have barely eaten. I know that you don’t feel like it. But have this much and I will not bother you again.”

Magnus sighed, his body slumping a little more on the bed. “Fine.”

Cat smiled at him but he had already turned his head away. She helped him sit up against the headboard before she placed the tray in front of him. “Careful now. It’s hot.”

She watched silently as Magnus stared at the soup a little before taking up a spoonful. His hands shook a little and Cat resisted the urge to help him. That would not go well with him right now.

“This is good.” He murmured, taking up another spoonful. “Thank you.”

Cat smiled again, knowing inside that Magnus would never take his loved ones for granted, despite how crushed he was. She was about to reply when he spoke up again,

“Have you told Raphael?”

Cat bit her lip. She had agonized over that part for a while. “No. I haven’t. I probably should.”

“Don’t.” Magnus said, his voice coming out strong and firm. “Don’t tell him anything.”

“He should-“

“Cat.” Magnus cut in, looking up at her. For the first time since she had found him, he was looking right into her eyes. He still looked awful. “Look…I want to tell you. And I want to tell him. But right now I just can’t…it’s too much and it hu-hurts to even _think_ about it. Let me just…give me time okay? I am grateful to you right now but…”

Cat felt her throat close up at the anguish in his eyes and in his voice. She moved her hand and placed it gently on his thigh. “Hey. I understand. Don’t worry about it, okay? Whatever you need.”

Magnus just nodded though his eyes filled with the familiar love and compassion she knew he felt for her. He quickly turned his attention back to the soup.

“You know…” Cat started, making up her mind to say what she had wanted to say for two days now. “I don’t know what happened. If it was Camille or…Alec.”

Magnus flinched. “Cat. Please.”

“I am not giving a pep talk or whatever. You know me.” She said, shrugging. “I am just saying…you are very strong. You are one of the strongest people I know. And you are so selfless too. The last time this happened, with Camille… You didn’t _do_ anything. You just took what came at you and you suffered through it.”

“That doesn’t make me sound strong.”

“Sweetie, that takes a lot of strength. Believe me.” Cat said, squeezing his leg. “But now…you don’t have to just bear it, you know? I know you are hurting and nothing can stop that. But if you just…. _do_ something about it instead of suffering through it. You might feel a little better.” She paused, letting that sink in. “And maybe the whole thing will just turn out to get better. You never know.”

“You don’t know what happened.” Magnus said, his eyes shining. “If you knew you wouldn’t even think about telling me to forgive him.”

“I am not telling you to forgive him, Magnus.” Cat said firmly. “Looking at you right now, all I want is to punch him and make him hurt. I am just saying that you should do something about it. _Feel_ something, anything. Just don’t let whatever happen beat you down to nothing. I saw that happen with Camille and I can’t watch it happen to you again.”

Cat took another deep breath and continued in a much softer tone, “I don’t know what Alec did. I am sure it was very wrong or else you wouldn’t be reacting like this. And I wouldn’t be telling any of this because you always come first no matter what. But when I saw him that day…how he was with you and everything. I liked him. And I _respected_  him. Maybe you could just….figure something out you know? I don’t want to see you hurt. But maybe there was a way that you could forgive him what he did.”

Magnus stared at her for a second. Then, “There isn’t.” he said with finality. “And neither will he forgive me.”

Cat swallowed down her next words. She realized that there was nothing more she could say right now. She did what she could. “Okay.” She said simply. “Don’t worry about it now. Just finish your soup and get some more sleep okay? You will feel better soon.”

Cat got up from the bed and started to make her way out of the room. She thought she dimly said a whispered “I won’t.” As much as she wanted to soothe that pain away, she knew it was not meant to be now. With heavy steps she walked out and closed the door behind her.

* * *

 

Later that evening, when Cat peeked in the room again to check up on Magnus, she found it to be empty.

Magnus was not in the house.

Catarina hoped with everything that maybe he had listened to some of what she has said.

* * *

 

Magnus stood in front of the familiar door, his hand raised up to knock. It was shaking like a leaf. It had been for all of ten minutes he had been standing there.

Magnus didn’t know what he was doing there. One minute he had been crying his eyes out in his bed and the next Catarina’s words were echoing in his head like it had all day.

 _Just do something_ …

It hadn’t and still didn’t make any sense. But in his pain riddled mind, that had been enough to get him out of his bed and walk straight here. Now, he just wasn’t sure what he was supposed to do. It didn’t help that his strength was waning and all he wished to do was lie down and cry again.

The pain was unbearable. And it was everywhere. It felt like he was in this dark tunnel since that morning with Alec. Everything had started to go downhill and he was left floundering in the dark in its wake. There was no light at the end of the tunnel and it felt like there was still a long way to go before he would find even a flicker of it.

Magnus had decided to cry it out in his bed till he reached the end of his metaphorical tunnel. But Catarina’s words had triggered something inside of him and here he was, standing in front of Alec’ door getting ready for another fall down the tunnel.

Magnus doubted there would be anything left of him by the end of it.

He took a shaky breath and knocked on the door. He had waited long enough. He clenched his hands together and waited for the door to open.

But a few seconds passed and nothing happened. He looked at the small lock that confirmed that the door was not locked from the outside. Someone was at home. He knocked again, a little louder this time.

Magnus’ heart pounded loudly as he waited for the familiar sounds of footsteps from inside. He checked his watch to see if he had somehow messed up the time. It was still around 7 in the evening. Usually Alec would be cooking dinner or poring over his files waiting for Magnus to get home. There was no way he had gone to sleep so early.

Magnus thought again about calling or texting him. He hadn’t been able to do it before he came here and now he just felt stupid about doing it outside his door.

“Fuck it.” He cursed a little loudly, anger building in him. For unreasonable reasons he felt rejected and ignored. He knew he shouldn’t be feeling this but he couldn’t help it. His emotions were all over the place since that night.

Magnus turned around and started down the steps. And stopped abruptly as he heard the door click open. His heart thumped harder at the sound and he quickly turned around bracing himself to see Alec.

But it wasn’t Alec.

Magnus’ mind went blank for a second as he saw the man standing in the door. He had been expecting Alec and his wildly thumping heart took a minute to settle down enough for him to recognize who the person was.

“You?” He asked, frowning as he tried to place the familiar looking guy. It hit him all of a sudden. The sex store. “Joe?”

He remembered the time Alec had taken him ‘shopping’ to the sex store. It seemed like a lifetime ago. He had introduced Magnus to Joe, who was the owner of the store and was also good friends with him. Magnus had only seen him once that day but he remembered that burly form of his.

“Magnus?” Joe said, his expression mirroring his own.

“What are you doing here?” Magnus asked, stepping up the stairs again. He came to stand in front of him. The door was only half open, with Joe taking up the entire visible place.

Joe looked taken aback to see him, his frown replaced by an uneasy look. He moved his eyes away him and said quickly, “Alec isn’t here right now. You should come by later.”

“What?” Magnus asked. He was starting to get a little impatient now. “What are _you_ doing here? And where is Alec?”

“Look, Magnus.” Joe said, his face displaying how uncomfortable he was. “This is not the right time, okay? I will inform Alec to get in contact with you.”

Magnus suddenly felt sick. He couldn’t believe it. Or maybe he was just over reacting?

“Who is it?” A voice cut in his sickening thoughts. Magnus jerked as he heard the familiar voice come from inside of the house.

Alec.

Magnus lost his breath as he heard the voice after what felt like years. He immediately felt his heart settle and his insides warm and….

It all came to a crashing halt as he saw Joe’s panic filled face in the door.

_Alec was with another man…_

Without thinking he slammed the door open. He pushed Joe aside without a care about hurting him and stormed in. He was ready to kill someone. He was ready to kill Alec. He looked around and his eyes fell on him.

And for the second time in less than five minutes his mind went blank as he saw what was in front of him.

It was just for a second before horror crashed into him and his body went cold.

Alec stood less than a few feet away from him. He was clad only in his battered jeans, chest and feet completely bare. But that was not what had grabbed his attention.

It was the glaring red marks across his bare chest. They were long and thin, crisscrossing almost symmetrically all over his chest. There was not an inch that wasn’t marred by the angry looking welts. Some looked faded but most of them looked new, throbbing and a few of them even bleeding in places.

Magnus thought that he had been staring at them for a long time when in reality it had only been a few seconds. It was enough for the horror to be replaced by fiery anger. He vaguely thought about his anger looking like the red marks on Alec’s chest before he turned around. Towards Joe.

Magnus had never been a violent person. Even though he had been brought up with violence around him, first with his father and then on the streets, Magnus had always hated it and instead looked for peace. But in that moment nothing could have stopped him from lunging towards Joe and wrapping his hands around his neck.

Magnus was very small compared to the burliness that was Joe. But his anger was enough to fuel him to slam him against the wall and proceed to grab and pinch and _hurt_ him as much as he could.

“You _did this!_ ” Magnus yelled loudly. “How dare you… _you bastard_.”

Dimly through the cloud of rage he could see Joe struggling and panting in pain. Someone was yelling his name and pulling at him.

“Magnus!” It was Alec, his voice very close. “ _Stop!_ ”

The pulled increased at the same time, Joe managed to get his grip on his hands. Magnus lost his own grip and stumbled back into Alec.

“Let me go!” He yelled, his anger still burning through him. He slapped at Alec’s hands on his shoulders. “I am going to _kill_ him!”

“You need to calm down, Magnus.” Alec’s voice settled around him. “ _Now._ ”

Magnus could feel his body aching and his breaths coming shorter as the adrenaline started to fade. He looked at Joe who looked equally breathless. His eyes were wide with fear and confusion as he gazed at him.

“Come on, deep breaths.” Alec said again. His voice was right in his ears.

Magnus shivered at the familiar tone, all of him responding to it immediately. But there was still that part of him. That part that had broken down into pieces that night. He couldn’t bear this. Not now of all the times.

“ _No_.” He bit out and harshly moved away. Away from the strong arms and the soothing voice.  “Get away from me.”

Magnus looked up at his face to see the pain and the hurt for a moment before it was gone. Alec held up his hands and stepped away from him.

Magnus’ eyes fell back on the marks again. He took a deep breath and pointed at them, willing his hands and voice to not shake.

“What the hell is this?” He bit out. He focused his fiery gaze on Joe again, who was standing still against the wall. “ _Why?”_

Joe opened his mouth but before he could say anything, Alec spoke up,

“I can explain. Joe didn’t do anything I didn’t ask.” He said quietly.

Magnus clenched his hands, his nails digging in his palm. It hurt. Just like it must have been hurting Alec at the moment.

“So you just...what? Told him to hurt you? Make you _bleed?_ For what?” Magnus said, a hard edge to his voice. He was just so angry. “You couldn’t bear the fact that you hurt me so you do the same thing? Do you think this will make you feel what you made _me_ feel?”

Magnus’ words hit its mark as he saw Alec violently flinch. He continued, his tone getting bitter, “You think this makes it all better? Th-that…this way you can repent for what you did and earn my forgiveness?”

“I am not doing this _for you_!” Alec exploded as soon as Magnus stopped. There was anger in his voice too now. His face was set in stone but Magnus could see the flicker of pain and hurt. “I am not doing this for you.” He repeated again, a little softly.

“Then _why?_ ” Magnus said through gritted teeth. It was all just too much for him.

“I will tell you.” Alec said slowly. He turned his gaze to Joe who had been standing silently at the door. “I will talk to you later, okay? I am sorry for all this.”

“Don’t worry about it.” Joe said, his voice a little shaky. “Are you sure you don’t want me here? I can talk to Magnus if you want.”

Magnus didn’t bother to look at him at all. He didn’t think he could control his emotions if he did.

“No. It will be okay.” Alec reassured him.

“Okay.” Joe relented. “Um..I have to apply the ointment..you can’t keep the wounds open. Let me just do it and then-“

“I will do it.” Magnus snapped, his tone brooking no argument. He turned his head at him and glared. “I can take care of him.”

Joe shot him a look that clearly said that he doubted that but fortunately he didn’t say anything. He nodded once at Alec and then walked out the door.

Magnus closed his eyes, trying to get his spinning head in control. There were too many thoughts, doubts, emotions. He was definitely losing his mind.

“Sit down, please.” Alec said, his voice soft in the issuing silence.

Now that he could think a little around the anger and adrenaline, he really saw Alec since that night he had walked away. His first thought was that he looked as awful as he felt. That thought made him feel better in ways he didn’t think he would.

He still looked the same, two days were not a long time. His hair looked messier than usual and not in a good way. His face appeared rough and pale, with dark shadows under them.

And of course the red marks were still there on his chest, glaring at him with anger and pain.

“You sit down.” Magnus said, staring at the marks. “Get me the medicine or whatever it is.”

“You don’t have to. I can do it.” Alec said softly.

“You have been doing an amazing job of taking care of yourself. I can see that.” Magnus snapped. “Sit down.”

Alec stared at him with a strange look in his eyes. Magnus distantly realized that he had never really ordered Alec like this. They had never even had a fight. But right now, Magnus was not even letting himself think about their relationship.

Thankfully, Alec didn’t complain as he walked back into the bedroom. Magnus resisted himself from following. He waited, his gaze focused on the ground till Alec came out again. He had a small bottle in his hand.

“Here.” Alec said slowly. He handed the bottle over to him. “Just apply it a little over the bad ones.”

Alec then sat down on the couch and waited. Magnus tightly griped the bottle in his hands and made his way over to him. He pushed the small table till he was in front of him and sat down. His mind immediately flashed back to the time Magnus had found out about Alec’s father and how Alec had talked to him and reassured him right here. It had been the first crack in their relationship but they had healed it. Both of them, together.

Now there was a large chasm between them. And Magnus didn’t think it would ever heal.

Magnus pushed the thoughts away as he squirted some of the ointment on his palm. He could feel Alec’s intense gaze on him as he started applying it on his chest. Magnus didn’t want to look up at his face and those eyes staring at him as if they could see inside of him.

“What did these?” Magnus asked quietly. He had started applying the cream on one of the harsh ones on his shoulder. He could feel Alec holding himself tight under his hands as he gently dabbed at the mark. His eyes followed the mark till Alec’s back and his heart squeezed as he saw similar marks on his back.

“Whip.” Alec replied, his voice equally hushed. He flinched a little as Magnus dabbed at a particularly bad spot.

“Why?” Magnus asked, resigned. “If not to punish yourself for what you did, if not to hurt yourself, then _why_ did you do this?”

Alec didn’t say anything for a while. Magnus didn’t force him. He kept on with the comforting motions of dabbing and healing at the marks. He wished somewhere deep in his mind to kiss them and make them disappear.

“It was a few years after what happened with Sebastian that I came across BDSM. I had just shifted; started with the new job…it was like a new life.” Alec started, his voice distant. “But despite the fresh start, I still couldn’t let go of everything. I was still…troubled. It was then I came to know about it. I thought to give it a try, I mean everything was still fucked up, it didn’t matter what I did to make it better.”

Magnus sat silently taking it all in. He still couldn’t make himself to look up at Alec.

“But it worked. I started as a submissive. It was surreal and the oddest thing I have ever done, but it just _worked._ Every moment where I felt like I was losing my mind, where I was just so overwhelmed that I started to lose sight of myself…being a submissive grounded me. It _centered_ me…like nothing else ever had.”

Alec paused to let out a breath. “BDSM is not just a thing of pleasure for me. It’s not just a simple lifestyle that I can engage into whenever I feel like it. At that time it gave me a kind of _peace_ that nothing ever had or could. Later I became a dominant because of the control it offered. It was what I needed as I started to build my life again. In the beginning when I was a submissive, it had always been because of Sebastian. The stress, the fear and the insecurity…it always got too much and I needed to pull myself back together before it got out of hand. Being like this…it helped. Joe just helped me out with that. He understands that it was what I needed.”

“But you _hurt_ yourself.” Magnus said, his voice rough and a little choked up.

“I need the pain.” Alec whispered. “It grounds me. It’s hard to explain, Magnus. I just _feel_ it. I don’t think about it.” He waited a beat. “I know you don’t want to hear this…but ever since I met you, I haven’t felt the need to _be_ that way. Not when it got too much, not even when Sebastian came back. I didn’t need this, didn’t need the _pain_. And you know why?”

Magnus’ hands shook where he held them at Alec’s chest. His eyes were stinging, moisture gathering at the corners. He couldn’t make himself say anything though.

“Because I had _you_.” Alec whispered. “You grounded me. You _helped_ me when things got crazy. And you were always there.”

“Alec…” Magnus whispered, closing his eyes. A tear slipped down his cheek.

“I had you…and I lost you.” Alec said, his voice heavy. “I fucked up…I hurt you.” His voice broke a little. “And things have never been this worse before. I have never felt so out of control. The funny thing is…the pain doesn’t even help anymore. Now it just…hurts.”

Magnus moved his hands away as they shook harder. He stood up quickly, his heart thudding and his mind spinning again. He looked down at Alec finally, sitting still on the couch. His eyes which were also wet held so much pain.

“That doesn’t change anything.” Magnus whispered, his heart breaking all over again as he saw a lone tear fall down Alec’s cheek. “It’s a little late for that.”

“I know.” Alec said, swallowing hard. “I didn’t tell you this to change your mind, o-or to ask for forgiveness. I don’t deserve that. I just…wanted you to know.”

“You know…I deserved worse than what you did to me.” Magnus said, his voice shaking. “But I didn’t deserve _that_.”

Magnus held up a hand to stop whatever Alec was about to say. He had to do this now. Before he lost what little hold he had over himself.

“I have to tell you something.” Magnus started, swallowing hard. He wiped off his tears jerkily. “Th-that day…I wasn’t honest with you. I did something really bad. Something that I wish I could have undone a hundred times over.”

“I know.” Alec said, quietly.

“No you don-“

“I know you met Camille. And lied to me when I called you.” Alec said, looking at him.

To say that Magnus was shocked was an understatement. He felt his world stumble to a halt.

“What?” Magnus said faintly.

Alec stood up slowly, wincing a little. Magnus thought distantly that he had yet to treat all of his cuts. “I was sitting in my car outside the restaurant where you and Camille were there. I was just doing my work; I didn’t know you were going to be there. And I swear I didn’t judge you or not trust you to be with her at that time. I was just…confused. So I called you. And…”

“I lied to you.” Magnus said, breathing hard. “You were there…watching me all the time?”

“Yes.” Alec said. “I saw you lie and I saw you smile at her, hold hands with her. And I just…shut down. I couldn’t stop thinking about it and I couldn’t stop seeing the two of you together all day. And then when you came to me that night. I was so _out of it_. And I was _angry_. I had never felt that way before. It wasn’t jealousy; I don’t give a fuck about Camille. I was angry because you…you _lied_ to me. And I was so sure that you wouldn’t ever hurt me…but you did. Magnus…I am not saying this to excuse what I did. There is nothing that I can say or do to excuse that. I broke your trust and I hurt you in ways no one ever should be. I am saying this cause…I guess it’s just one of the things that was left unsaid that night.”

Magnus roughly moved a hand through his hair, tugging hard at it. It was getting harder to breathe now. “I can’t..I can’t believe this...” he whispered. “Alec…why didn’t you _say_ anything that night?”

“Why didn’t you?” Alec countered, biting his lip. “Were you ever going to tell me?”

Magnus felt his heart skip a beat. “Yes! Of course I was going to tell you!”

“But you still lied.” Alec said, his voice resigned. “You know…I would have understood if you wanted to get back to her. I wou-wouldn’t have stopped you. I wouldn’t have expected you to…be with someone like me. I just wanted you to-“

“Someone like you?” Magus cut in, his mind whirring with what he was listening. It was all too bizarre. “What do you mean?”

Alec sighed, looking away. “Just…after everything I told you the other night. I know it was a lot. And I don’t expect you to deal with it. I understand-“

“ _Stop_.” Magnus said, holding up his hand. He was going to be sick. “Just stop.”

There was a confused and a sympathetic look on Alec’s face now. “Magnus…”

“Oh god.” Magnus breathed, pressing a hand to his eyes. He couldn’t believe what had happened. What _he_ had done. He couldn’t have anticipated the consequences of his lying. That it could have gone this far. “Alexander…you...”

It was the first time Magnus had called him that after that night. He could see the surprise and wonder in Alec’s eyes at that.

“How could you even think that I felt like that about you?” Magnus whispered. “After everything I said…after everything I _did_? How could you doubt that I didn’t mean what I said?”

“I believed you.” Alec said, his chin wobbling. “I _did_. But then…”

“You saw me with Camille.” Magnus finished. “And I lied to you.”

“Yes.” Alec said, closing his eyes.

Magnus slowly walked towards the couch and sat down. He wasn’t sure his legs could support him anymore. Everything was just spinning out of focus.

“I was with Camille for over four years.” Magnus said wearily. He didn’t know what he was going to achieve saying this. Like he had just told Alec, it was too late. But still he had to get it out. “I loved her with everything I had. And for the longest time I thought she loved me too. But one day I found her with another man in our bed in our apartment that I had bought for us.”

He heard Alec’s breath hitch. “I was _broken_. The worst thing was she didn’t even think that she had done anything wrong. She said that I was ‘over-reacting’.” Magnus let out a humorless laugh. “To feel that from a woman who I had been with for so long and who I was going to propose that day itself…it broke me.”

Magnus felt Alec step towards him, but he didn’t come too close. “Then why did you meet her that day? And didn’t tell me about it?”

Magnus swallowed hard. “I did go to the office like I told you. But then I got her call…I hadn’t talked to her for months now, not since I broke up with her. She was all upset and crying…and begging me to meet her. And I couldn’t say _no_. She was still this huge part of my life. And I hadn’t even had time to get over her. And I just couldn’t say no…”

“I am not judging you.” Alec said quietly. “Like I said, when I saw the two of you…it didn’t make me angry or upset. I trusted you. I knew you wouldn’t do anything wrong. But that was until I called you…”

“Camille found out from somewhere, I don’t know where, that I was with someone.” Magnus said. “I didn’t tell anyone about you except Cat and Raphael and they would _never_ tell it to anyone. But she has her contacts…it was the reason she came _crawling_ back to me. Pretended that she always loved me and couldn’t bear to live without me. When the real reason was that she just couldn’t see me be _happy_. See me be with someone who is not her. I was always just her boy toy. She couldn’t bear it that I wouldn’t be there anymore to lap at her every order.”

“That’s just sick.” Alec said tightly. “If you had just told me…I would have helped you, Magnus.”

“I didn’t know how to!” Magnus bit out, clenching his hands. “God…I wasn’t thinking clearly. When she came back…the things she was saying…it all got in my head. Camille is like poison. If she had even gotten a whiff of you…she would have destroyed everything that we _had_. I..I was scared of that. I couldn’t let that happen.”

Magnus waited a beat and then continued in a resigned tone. “And maybe…just like you thought that I wouldn’t want to deal with your shit, I thought you wouldn’t want to deal with mine. I _am_ too much. And everything that had happened with you…I couldn’t just drag you into my problems. It was something that I had to deal with first before I could tell you. And I _was_ going to tell you. I guess it was just…one of the things that was left unsaid that night.” He finished.

Magnus saw Alec sit down in front of him, on the table. They kept ending up in the same place. Yet after everything that had happened now, everything that they had finally said all the things they should have said a long time ago. It still didn’t feel like they had moved any closer than when they had started.

Magnus sighed, hanging his head in his hands. It was silent now, each of them contemplating what had being said. Magnus was personally exhausted, his rollercoaster ride of emotions having reached a limit. He wished he could turn back time and go back to that morning he had woken up in Alec’s arms.

He wondered whether things would have been different if he had just done things differently.

“This is so fucked up.” Magnus said softly, his hands pressed tightly to his eyes.

“What?” Alec asked.

“All of this.” Magnus said, looking up. “What we did to each other? We were both hurt…and instead of talking, we just _destroyed_ each other. Do you realize how wrong that is?”

“We can’t control everything, Magnus.” Alec said tiredly. “Everyone makes mistakes.”

“But this is not just a simple mistake.” Magnus said shaking his head. “We were at our lowest…we _needed_ each other. I-I hurt you. So much.”

“Not like I did. It doesn’t…it doesn’t compare.” Alec said, swallowing hard. “I wish to hell that I could go back and stop myself from doing what I did. I can _never_ forgive myself for that. But I _can’t._ I can’t-“

“Don’t.” Magnus said, shaking his head.

“What?”

“Stop hiding behind it.”

“What are you talking about?”

Magnus stared him in the eye. “You hurt me. You did something unforgivable. But you did it because I hurt you in the first place.”

“That doesn’t excuse it.” Alec said, shaking his head.

“No it doesn’t.” Magnus agreed. “But I don’t want to keep hearing about how you did this bad thing and how much you regret it. I don’t want to _hear_ it.”

“Magnus..what.” Alec said, confusion clear in his voice and face.

“I want you to stop feeling sorry for yourself and _do_ something about it. You fucked up, we _both_ did. But you just don’t get to hide behind your guilt and hurt. That’s not fair.” Magnus said, his voice shaking.

“I don’t…” Alec said, his eyes shining again.

“These past two days…I have cried like never before. It hurt more than anything.” Magnus said, biting his lip. “But I wasn’t crying because you hurt me. That wasn’t my first concern. I was hurting because I wasn’t going to see you again. I wasn’t going to hear your voice again and I wasn’t going to feel your to-touch again. And that just…destroyed me.”

Magnus took a deep breath. “But then Cat practically told me to stop repeating my mistakes. To stop suffering through it like I always do and just do something about it. It didn’t make a lot of sense to me but it was enough to get me here. I didn’t know what I wanted…I still don’t.”

It became silent again after Magnus stopped. It wasn’t thick or uncomfortable. For some unknown reason, Magnus felt like he could breathe a little easier though. Then after a few moments, Alec spoke quietly.

 “Will you ever be able to forgive me?” Alec asked.

 “I don’t know.” Magnus answered truthfully. “I am not saying anything is okay right now. Because it’s not.”

“It’s pretty far from okay.” Alec said.

“Will _you_ ever forgive me?” Magnus asked, equally hushed.

“There’s nothing…”

“You know there is.”

Alec paused. “I don’t know.”

“Okay.”

 “Okay.” Alec said. “What…do we do now?”

Magnus’ gaze flickered to Alec’s still bare chest. “I still need to apply the cream to all the cuts.”

“Um..okay.” Alec said, looking around for the bottle that Magnus had discarded earlier. He found it on the couch and quickly handed it over him. “Thank you.” He said softly.

“Don’t do this anymore, okay?” Magnus pleaded, gazing at the marks. “We will find some other way. But I can’t see you hurt like this.”

“I already know a way.” Alec said, looking at him earnestly. “And like I said, it wasn’t really working anymore. Don’t think it will again. I just went on with it…”

“I know.” Magnus said sadly. He gently started to apply the cream on the severe cuts. He marveled at the difference he could feel between when he had been doing it just a little while ago. He didn’t feel the anger or the hopelessness. He didn’t feel the hurt or the pain.

Magnus knew that it hadn’t just disappeared. It would come again because things were still pretty far from okay like Alec said. But along with that, there was this little thing residing in him. It made him feel calm. Juts for the moment, things were okay. The little thing was hope. And it was as strong as it was fickle.

But it was enough for now.

“I should probably thank Catarina.” Alec said after a while. They had been relatively silent as Magnus worked on the cuts.

“You should.” Magnus replied. “Although let me talk to her first. She did say she wanted to punch you and hurt you.”

Alec winced a little. “Yeah. I deserve that.” he waited a beat. “What about Raphael?” he asked carefully.

“He doesn’t know anything. I made Cat promise not to tell him anything.” Magnus said softly. “Because he would really kill you.”

“I know.”

“What about your siblings?”

“I-“

Alec broke off as the shrill sound of a phone started up.

“Sorry.” Magnus said quickly. “It’s mine.” He pulled out his phone and saw who was calling.

Magnus frowned as the saw the number.

“What is it?” Alec asked as he saw the look on his face.

“Nothing..just..this number has been calling me for two days now.” Magnus said, looking at Alec. “Right after what happened..that night. I thought it was you.”

“It doesn’t look familiar?”

“Not at all. Is it Isabelle or Jace?”

“No. That’s what I was going to say. I haven’t told anyone.”

“Well, must be a work call then.” Magnus said, shrugging. “Give me a second, okay?”

Alec nodded and Magnus quickly answered the call, careful of his sticky fingers.

“Hello?”

“Finally! I thought you were going to ignore me forever.” A chirpy voice sounded from the other end. “You know this was the last time I was about to try before I used an alternative way.”

Magnus felt the voice to be familiar but he couldn’t really place it. Nonetheless he felt uneasy about the fake chirpy tone. “Who is this?”

“Oh, you didn’t recognize me?” The voice said. “I am absolutely devastated.”

“What?” Magnus frowned. “I am hanging up now.”

“Well, I guess I should just come meet you then. That will jog your poor memory.”

“What do you want?” Magnus snapped, already done with the playing around. He was in no mood for a prank call.

“You.” The man replied easily. But now there was a dangerous tint in his voice. “More specifically, your head on a spike. Kinda traditional, don’t you think?”

Magnus felt cold all over as heard the thickly veiled threat in his voice. He distantly felt Alec move closer to him, his face etched in worry.

“Who the fuck are you?” Magnus said, stopping his voice from shaking. “Do you think this is a joke?”

“Oh no. This is pretty far from a joke.” The man said quietly. “I am sure Alec told you all about me. And you did see me that one time. You know when yelled and insulted me in front of everyone. You know who I am.”

Magnus felt his entire body freeze as he heard the words. His face must have showed what he was feeling because he quickly felt a gentle hand on his arm and Alec’s concerned face signaling at him impatiently.

“You know…I _love_ a challenge.” The man continued. “And you, Magnus Bane are one of the most interesting challenges I have ever faced. And it’s just so much sweeter with poor little Alec tagging along with you. I can’t wait. We are going to have _so much fun_. See you soon, okay?”

The phone clicked. The call ended. Magnus dazedly moved the phone away. His body still felt cold all over. And there was a pit in the bottom of his stomach, threatening to swallow him whole.

“Magnus?” Alec’s voice echoed around him. “Hey, who was that?” he asked, his tone colored in worry.

Magnus turned towards him and mustered his voice enough to say in a grave tone,

“It was Sebastian. He just threatened to kill me.”

* * *

 

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**Author's Note:**

> They can't catch a break can they? *sigh*
> 
> See? Talking goes a loooooooong way. I just love when people talk. And shed a few tears.  
> I see this way as the best way for Magnus and Alec to start healing and get past the whole angst. Do you?
> 
> Btw, I didn't really add a lot of story behind Camille. I just felt that it would have added unnecessary drama. There are a few storylines going around and adding her's to it would have lengthened the whole thing and honestly? I hate Camille. So there's that.
> 
> Would loveee to hear your thoughts!
> 
> I think only two more stories to go before this ends. Damn it feels weird to even think about ending this.  
> A lot of action and Sebastian coming up in the next one! Who's up for a badass cop Alec?
> 
> Thank you once again for reading <3  
> I love you poeple as much as Magnus and Alec love each other.  
> UNTIL NEXT TIME <3


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